Category Archives: News

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BUDGET LEAKED!!!!

 Extracts from advance copies of George Osborne’s Budge Speech… 

  • Being a government that listen’s Michael Gove has paid attention to the teaching profession and will announce the abolition of ‘Free Schools’. All schools will now charge up to £1000 per annum per child raising an estimated £1bn; used to lower the top rate of tax from 50p to 20p.
  • Following the success of the car scrapage scheme a similar, Lib Dem scrapage scheme, will be implemented with constituencies able to trade in their Liberal Democrat MP for a Conservative with 5000 majority.
  • As a trial of proposed plans to put transport infrastructure into private hands the road outside Richards Dawkins house will be managed by the Faith Alliance , making the militant atheist pay a toll £5 if he wants to enter or leave his abode. Monies collected to be used in funding ‘Ark Encounter’; a creationist museum including scale replica of dinosaurs boarding Noah’s Ark.
  • Instead of a financial transaction tax, or ‘Robin Hood Tax’ as the wishy washy lefties on the opposition benches call it, from June of this year a Facebook Post Tax will be implemented; every wall post or like will incur a £0.01 fee. Last year 18million users in the UK posted an average of 500 posts and likes raising the exchequer £90 million pounds; earmarked to further subsidize Westminster’s bars and restaurants.   
  • A healthy worker is a better, happier, worker thus those working in the public sector will be required to spend an hour a day running on a treadmill; this energy utilized to generate electricity for public buildings with savings passed on to the public through lower council tax bills. Any public sector employee earning over £50,000 will be exempt from this scheme as their time is too valuable.
  • A mansion tax to be implemented with all properties taxed an additional £10 to fund the purchase a new official residence for the Chancellor of the Exchequer, or Chatsworth House.  
  • Anyone earning over £50,000 or possessing land to the sum of £1 million will be allowed to whip or beach those whose annual salary is less than the national average, currently £22637.
  • Gays and Lesbians to be allowed to marry but in the furnaces of coal power stations thus allowing them to briefly feel the fires of hell before expiring and being sent their for real.  
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News in Brief

 Oxygen Causes Cancer!  

 Three breaths a day dramatically raises the odds of dying from cancer a major study claims.

 Data from 15000 deaths was analysed by the Cambridge Research unit of Applied Pathology (CRAP), of those nearly 7000 related to cancer. If those 7000 hadn’t breathed oxygen they wouldn’t have died of cancer was the shocking conclusion, clear evidence that cancer and the way we respire are intrinsically linked.  

 Inhaled oxygen, absorbed through the lungs, binds with erythrocytes in the body delivering fuel to carcinogenic cells allowing these cancers to multiply and spread.  

 Research linking carbon and cancer is on-going but initial findings suggest that we should move to caesium based organic life.

 Osborne Told ‘Ease the Squeeze’

 Sources close to Ed Miliband have revealed that Labour leader has sent 18 private memos to the chancellor asking him to ‘Ease the squeeze and be less vocal visiting the parliamentary lavatory’.

 Others state ‘Osborne, you may be full of shit but please don’t prove it day after day’, Mr Miliband has secretly laid blame for his parties failure to formulate an effective opposition due to the daily grunts, groans and screaming that accompany the Chancellors frequent and lengthy trips to the lavatory, which is adjacent to the Labour leaders office.

 George Osborne is unavailable for comment on the matter

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Church Leaders Call Gay Marriage Plans ‘Madness’

Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.

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Nicolas Parsons Dies on Stage

Nicolas Parsons killed after a dispute during a live recording of Just a Minute.

 Popular TV and radio broadcaster Nicolas Parsons (88) died following a savage assault by comedian Paul Merton. Grabbing a microphone Mr Merton informed the octogenarian entertainer that ‘You speak like an arse so I`m shoving this where the sun don’t shine’ and despite Janet Staplehurst blowing her whistle when the minute was up the surreal humorous continued by pummelling Mr Parsons head into the chairman’s table.  

 The recording, at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, was genial and good humoured with Mr Merton embarking on a surreal flight of fantasy involving the Sahara Desert disappearing thanks to a typos and being replaced with a dessert, a custard tart to be exact.

 Entering the final round, and one point ahead of Paul Merton, fellow contestant Gyles Brandreth was asked to speak for a minute on the subject of ‘Things I never have done’.

 “I’ve achieved everything but incest and Morris dancing” claimed the broadcaster and Conservative MP

 ‘What about that time you tinkled bells with your Uncle George?’ Paul Merton interjected and following sustained laughter he asked ‘That’s got to be worth a bonus point?’

 Nicolas Parsons repeatedly refused and soon he and Merton became engaged in a heated argument which quickly turned violent. The audience initially thought this was just good humoured banter until fellow contestant Tony Hawks attempted to break up the fight, a swift haymaker from Paul Merton sending three of his fellow comedians teeth flying across the stage.

 With Nicolas Parsons corpse still on stage Paul Merton screamed ‘I am the silent clown’, mooned the audience then escaped backstage. Police have asked for information on the whereabouts of Mr Merton, advising he is dangerous and should not be approached.

 One minutes noise, in memory of Nicolas Parsons, will be held at 12pm on Sunday where the public are asked talk without repetition, hesitation or deviation.

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Pope meets and beats Irish bishops

The Pope said he had ‘disturbed and distressed’ all 27 of Irelands Roman Catholic bishops in revenge for the Irish defeat of Italy in this years Rugby Six Nations Championship.

In a press statement the Vatican admitted these punishment beatings were in retribution for decades of humiliation at the hands of Ireland and Jonathan Sexton was an ‘abomination who and will be excommunicated’.

Before Tuesdays meeting began Vatican secretary held a mass attended by the Irish Bishops where, during a firebrand sermon, they learned their fate. At that point the Pope stepped forward and gave the Bishop of Clougher, Joseph Duffy, a ‘dam good thrashing’ with a barbed set of Rosary beads.

Dr Diarmuid Martin attempted to fight back but Pope Benedict XVI swiftly dealt with the Archbishop of Dublin aided by two candlesticks. Full details of the confrontation are patchy but unnamed sourced state that Bishop of Clogher, Joseph Duffy was nailed to a cross and the Pope screamed ‘Lord in your mercy hear our prayers’ over 50 times while pummeling the Bishop of Galways head into the alter table.

It is also reported that the Pope, aided by CIA operatives, ‘water into wine boarded’  Armagh Archbishop Sean Brady, the primate of all Ireland. He was later seen wearing an orange suit being herded onto a plane, destination unknown.  

Four Bishops who refused to attend the punishment meeting reportedly found a choir boys head in their confession booths.

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Eric Pickles is a Vogon in disguise.

Here is what to do if you want to get anything from Eric Pickles: forget it. He is one of the most unpleasant people in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. He wouldn’t even lift a finger to save his own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of Eric Pickles is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow Eric Pickles to read poetry at you.

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Michael Gove to send Mien Kampf to all English schools

Education State schools in England are to receive a copy of Mein Kampf from the government with a brief forward by Michael Gove, the education secretary, to mark the 87th anniversary of its publication.

In a move intended to help every pupil access Britain’s cultural heritage each primary and secondary school will receive a copy next year, to coincide with the anniversary of Hitler’s 1923 Munich Beer Hall putsch.

Gove will write a brief foreword in this special edition, “It is a thing of beauty and incredible historical importance. No other book has helped shape and define Britain in the last 200 years. The consequences of Hitler’s words and the deeds they inspired still resonate today in the nations shared culture”.  

The Department for Education estimates the cost of the scheme at £375,000, and is seeking philanthropic sponsorship from someone beyond Nick Griffin who is please the BNP’s 2010 manifesto is being distributed to all schools.

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Heroes of the Occupy Movement: #4 Adolf Hitler

 Initially thought to be a modern movement, beginning with ‘Occupy Wall Street’ in September 2011, its origins lie within the 20th Century. Attempting to be a bulwark against capitalism to the west and totalitarianism to the east Adolf Hitler’s Germanic ‘Occupy Europe’ unified the continent following the 1930’s global great depression.

In 1933 the National Socialists Workers Party achieved power within Germany, promising national and cultural renewal. Utilizing this springboard Hitler launched his movement protesting against the Treaty of Versailles, beginning with ‘Occupy Rhineland, Anschluss and Sudetenland’ then ‘Occupy Poland’.

Similar to now, political reaction then was initially containment which eventually escalated into violence;France and the United Kingdom utilizing force to assault the fledgling movement. Unlike the brutal police crackdowns in Oakland and New York Hitler withstood the confrontation, mobilizing manpower to expand into what became known as ‘Occupy Europe’; soon the National Socialists Workers Party had spread its wings from France to the gates of Moscow.

Here lay the movements downfall, expanding too far too fast culminated with the failure of ‘Occupy North Africa’. Defeat by the British Empire in Libya was the beginning of the end, this compounded by Japan’s ‘Occupy Asia’ movement being overpowered by American aggression. The unfortunate protesters attacked with pepper spray in Oakland got off lucky, agents of the United States utilized atomic weapons in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Soon the jackboots of capitalism and totalitarianism quashed the National Socialists Workers Party, its leadership subsequently executed. We hope those camped outside St Pauls, in Central Park and throughout the world do not suffer the fate of Hitler and his ‘Occupy Europe’ movement.

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Deadly Bullshit Storm Sweeps throughWhitehall

An unseasonable bullshit storm swept through Whitehall yesterday leaving nine dead and civil servants knee deep in their own fetid fork tongued fallacies.

It started when a front of economical truths fed obfuscations into prevailing south easterly winds of deceit which condensed over Eric Pickle’s male mammary mountains. Initially localized in the Department of Communities a thick layers of bullshit soon spread throughoutWhitehall

“Here at the treasury we’re without capacity to tell the truth” George Osborne told journalist, “Plan A is working, the dark days of depression are over and this winter we shall see the green shoots of recovery”.

In the Department for Education 2ft of bullshit fell overnight and more is expected following Michael Goves announcement that “Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system. There will be a cultural revolution, a five year plan of empowerment filling school pupils with a sense of achievement and aspiration; no child will be left behind”.

Despite thick layers of bullshit business continues as normal, according to unnamed sources “This is nothing new, we were waist deep in crap following the Blair’s dodgy dossier; it’s keep calm, carry on and grab a paddle to as there’s a shit creek outside!”.

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills has been unaffected by the bullshit storm but any requests for comment are greeted by Vince Cable rocking forwards and backwards on his chair screaming “We’re doomed Captain Cameron, we’re doomed!”

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Music News in Brief:

Coldplay Album Approved by NICE to Treat Insomnia

Insomnia sufferers suffered a surprise windfall this week, not only did Coldplay release a new album of eleven songs of extreme blandness but following clinical trials the bands previous work was approved by NICE and now ‘X&Y’ is to prescribed on the NHS as an alternative to sleeping tablets.

Lead singer, Chris Martin, released a statement, “When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep buy Mylo Xyloto and I will fix you”.

N.W.A. still want to ‘Fuck the Police’

Controversial early 90’s rappers N.W.A or ‘Niggaz With Attitude’ released a statement yesterday that they still wished to ‘Fuck the police, especially the cute blond officer Dre saw in the 7-Eleven last night’.

Rhiannon Spends £30 in Dudley Tesco’s

According to The Sun salacious strumpet Rhiannon nipped into a Dudley Tescos and blew £30 in just 5 minutes.  She’s said to have bought assorted fruit, vegetables and three frozen pizzas.

Stone Roses ‘Third Coming’

Residents of the Wilmott Street Salvation Army Hostel were shocked when four of their fellow residents announced to the worlds press ‘We are the Stone Roses, we’re reunitin’.

‘I thought they were the four washed up northern junkies’ one resident told the NME, ‘residents claiming they used to be famous are ten’a’penny…I remember hearing Ian last Christmas and thinking there’s no way he’s a singer’.