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Heroes of the Occupy Movement: #4 Adolf Hitler

 Initially thought to be a modern movement, beginning with ‘Occupy Wall Street’ in September 2011, its origins lie within the 20th Century. Attempting to be a bulwark against capitalism to the west and totalitarianism to the east Adolf Hitler’s Germanic ‘Occupy Europe’ unified the continent following the 1930’s global great depression.

In 1933 the National Socialists Workers Party achieved power within Germany, promising national and cultural renewal. Utilizing this springboard Hitler launched his movement protesting against the Treaty of Versailles, beginning with ‘Occupy Rhineland, Anschluss and Sudetenland’ then ‘Occupy Poland’.

Similar to now, political reaction then was initially containment which eventually escalated into violence;France and the United Kingdom utilizing force to assault the fledgling movement. Unlike the brutal police crackdowns in Oakland and New York Hitler withstood the confrontation, mobilizing manpower to expand into what became known as ‘Occupy Europe’; soon the National Socialists Workers Party had spread its wings from France to the gates of Moscow.

Here lay the movements downfall, expanding too far too fast culminated with the failure of ‘Occupy North Africa’. Defeat by the British Empire in Libya was the beginning of the end, this compounded by Japan’s ‘Occupy Asia’ movement being overpowered by American aggression. The unfortunate protesters attacked with pepper spray in Oakland got off lucky, agents of the United States utilized atomic weapons in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Soon the jackboots of capitalism and totalitarianism quashed the National Socialists Workers Party, its leadership subsequently executed. We hope those camped outside St Pauls, in Central Park and throughout the world do not suffer the fate of Hitler and his ‘Occupy Europe’ movement.

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Deadly Bullshit Storm Sweeps throughWhitehall

An unseasonable bullshit storm swept through Whitehall yesterday leaving nine dead and civil servants knee deep in their own fetid fork tongued fallacies.

It started when a front of economical truths fed obfuscations into prevailing south easterly winds of deceit which condensed over Eric Pickle’s male mammary mountains. Initially localized in the Department of Communities a thick layers of bullshit soon spread throughoutWhitehall

“Here at the treasury we’re without capacity to tell the truth” George Osborne told journalist, “Plan A is working, the dark days of depression are over and this winter we shall see the green shoots of recovery”.

In the Department for Education 2ft of bullshit fell overnight and more is expected following Michael Goves announcement that “Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system. There will be a cultural revolution, a five year plan of empowerment filling school pupils with a sense of achievement and aspiration; no child will be left behind”.

Despite thick layers of bullshit business continues as normal, according to unnamed sources “This is nothing new, we were waist deep in crap following the Blair’s dodgy dossier; it’s keep calm, carry on and grab a paddle to as there’s a shit creek outside!”.

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills has been unaffected by the bullshit storm but any requests for comment are greeted by Vince Cable rocking forwards and backwards on his chair screaming “We’re doomed Captain Cameron, we’re doomed!”

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Music News in Brief:

Coldplay Album Approved by NICE to Treat Insomnia

Insomnia sufferers suffered a surprise windfall this week, not only did Coldplay release a new album of eleven songs of extreme blandness but following clinical trials the bands previous work was approved by NICE and now ‘X&Y’ is to prescribed on the NHS as an alternative to sleeping tablets.

Lead singer, Chris Martin, released a statement, “When you try your best but you don’t succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need, when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep buy Mylo Xyloto and I will fix you”.

N.W.A. still want to ‘Fuck the Police’

Controversial early 90’s rappers N.W.A or ‘Niggaz With Attitude’ released a statement yesterday that they still wished to ‘Fuck the police, especially the cute blond officer Dre saw in the 7-Eleven last night’.

Rhiannon Spends £30 in Dudley Tesco’s

According to The Sun salacious strumpet Rhiannon nipped into a Dudley Tescos and blew £30 in just 5 minutes.  She’s said to have bought assorted fruit, vegetables and three frozen pizzas.

Stone Roses ‘Third Coming’

Residents of the Wilmott Street Salvation Army Hostel were shocked when four of their fellow residents announced to the worlds press ‘We are the Stone Roses, we’re reunitin’.

‘I thought they were the four washed up northern junkies’ one resident told the NME, ‘residents claiming they used to be famous are ten’a’penny…I remember hearing Ian last Christmas and thinking there’s no way he’s a singer’.

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Eric Pickles Explodes, Wafer Thin Mint Blamed

Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has died aged 59 having gobbled his way through the Saffron Tandoori’s entire menu.

Consuming 14 curries along with 17 Lamb specialities dishes, all washed down with 12 bottles of lager, the gorged and bloated MP for Brentwood was persuaded by a waiter to end his meal with a wafer thin mint.

Initially triggering sever indigestion this mint acted as a catalyst, instigating a chain reaction which resulted in the rotund MP exploding; fellow diners were showered by a mass of subcutaneous fat. Despite his chest being blasted apart the Communities Secretary only expired following receipt of the bill. It transpired that being unable to claim the £4577 bill through ministerial expenses caused his heart to fail.

“With great sadness I have to come to terms that a friend and colleague is no longer with us” David Cameron told a packed commons chamber earlier today “Eric Pickles died the way he would have wanted, stimulating the UK economy through selfless greed and gluttony ”.

Paying tribute Ed Miliband agreed with the Prime Minister, “Eric was a great parliamentarian with a great appetite but you didn’t want to be in an enclosed space when he’d had a good curry”.

This refers to the “Great stink of 2008” when the Palace of Westminster had to be evacuated following the then Conservative Chairman having a particularly pungent pasanda.

In 2008 Pickles was also asked to pay back £300 following the MP’s expenses scandal, claiming for ’Forty two phaals, equal nan breads along with ninety popadoms and chuckneys’; what he later described as a ‘light snack’.

Eric Pickles leaves behind a wife and two sheep, Bhuna and Balti.

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Sloth Hallelujah

I heard there was a sloth that snored
He slept a lot cause he was bored
And you don’t care for moving do you?
He came down but once a week
To defecate, to take a leak
The lazy sloth composed a hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had a brain but you needed proof
He hung from a tree with sky for roof
No muscle did he move may I ask you?
Digesting leaves and breaking wind
From his bottom a song did sing
The tune of gods secret hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He had three toes despite his name
His attempts at preening were so lame
If he did you`ld never notice would you?
There’s a blaze of green in his hair
In the trees he did nowt but stare
Dreaming of a broken hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

He did his best, it wasn’t much
He hated living in his hutch
No one wanted to visit him do you?
Even though the crowd did throng
No one in the zoo liked his song
Who cared as he played his hallelujah

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

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England ‘Gay and Proud’

Following sensational photos of England holding hands with Germany this green and pleasant land has come out of the closet.

In a dramatic press conference the Queen told stunned journalists ‘One is gay and one is proud. This fair nation is a player of the pink obo, it is a homosexual. Britannia was and never has been a trident wielding goddess but a demi god called Brian who flirted with transvestitism in 84 AD to avoid being drafted into the Roman army and has been in drag ever since”.

In today’s ‘Gay Times’ Brian told how ‘It was wear a dress or be butchered by Boudicca. Afterwards I began thinking hmmmm the wind around your English Channel is rather pleasing so remained a woman ever since’.

Discussing his relationship with Germany it emerged that the nations have been involved in a tempestuous love/hate affair with heated argument over where to squeeze the toothpaste tube resulting in two world wars. It was only when Germany cured its schizophrenia, with the countries collective consciousness no longer divided into east and west, were the two nations finally reunited. ‘Once Germany demolished the walls in its mind there was nothing that could stop us, it was like the good old days fondling each others currencies until pennies were spewed everywhere’.

Brian told the Gay Times that ‘Just because you’re gay it doesn’t mean you fancy every country that walks the planet; Scotland can sod off and have all the independence it wants! Im fed up with the wee country being on top all these years and anyhow I’ve seen under his kilt and even on warm days it is rather wee if you catch my drift’.

Brian didn’t divulge his view on Wales but sources have suggested that ‘every country needs a codpiece’.

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PM Apologies for Remarks to Female MPs

In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.

“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.

‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.

During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.

A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.

“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.

When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”

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Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door

Jehovah’s Witnesses knocked on my door

“Jesus saves…”

“I know how does. Am worried he might not be taking up his full tax free ISA allowance, I mean if he maximizes his return on his investments he’ll save even more”.

“?????”

I then offered to show them my signed copy of ‘Deuteronomy’, both decided they needed to be somewhere else.;  shame as I was looking forward to discussing social economic determinates in neo anarchist, antidisestablishmentarianist, meerkat communities as set out in Mark 9:42.

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England Fail to Reach the Last Four

The England football team failed to qualify for the last four at this years home internationals after being held to a goalless draw byJerseyin Pool A.

In a game of few chances England missed a penalty with six minutes remaining as Wayne Rooney’s weak shot was saved by keeper David Fenton.

 Proving the theory that Gerard and Lampard cant play together the Liverpool midfielder saw his shot blocked on the line by theChelseacaptain whose positioning was called into question. Sources speculating Lampard may have got disorientated during the game and was kneeling in the goal mouth to snort the goal white line believing it to be high grade cocaine.  

Having lost their opening game to Wales where, despite the recent media spotlight, Ryan Giggs proved he hadn’t lost the ability score and drawing against the Isle of Man Englands finial pool A game was a must win match.  

Head Coach Fabio Capello said afterwards “We were shit, Im not sure what the lads were playing at; it certainly wasn’t football. There will be collective responsibility but I`ll be reserving a special rebuke for Shrek”.

Screams were heard from the England dressing room and Mistress Cameo, spokesman for England Football teal, told journalists that the “Whole England mens football team have been disciplined, following our extended post match session together they have been whipped into shape and dare not fail again. Underachievement is not acceptable behavior so holes have been plugged, dissenters gagged and everyone is very, very sore following this pitiful display;  Wayne Rooney has been severely chastised and will only be performing on the pitch until further notice”.   

Mistress  Cameo was later seen leading Steven Gerard and Frank Lampard by a leash, “As they cant play together on the pitch they’re going to play together in my dungeon, think I`ll give them numbers 6 and 9 “ she told journalist Alix Fox.

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Next Generation iSaber Could Launch in July

Anonymous sources within Apple Corp have revealed that Darth Jobs is set to launch iSaber 5 in July. This will be similar the iSaber 4 in design with its standard single plasma blade but is thought to have an 8 gigapixel digital camera along with 60tb cloud MP3 player.

Compatible both with Microsoft THX1138 and Gungan Chrome operating systems the iSaber 5’s OP3c processor will double its power output enabling practitioners of the force unparalleled cutting power while maintaining Holonet connection; assume this is to ensure not a single tweet is missed despite being in mid combat.

It revolutionary ‘Kaleidoscope’ crystal sets facilitate a rainbow of blade colors, sources claim that the iSaber 5 will even feature a red blade setting ‘for when a Jedi wants to get Sith with their opponents ass’ and as a novelty fancy dress prop.

Expected to retail for 60000 credits it should be within most Jedi’s price range is expected to be this summers must have accessory.