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Musings on God…

I started wondering of if God has ever ‘backed up’ the Earth? Basically in his infinite wisdom has the Lord made a copy of this planet we live upon (or maybe reality in its entirety) to facilitate smooth and easy recovery following corruption; like a global catastrophe such as ‘global warming’ or even the fall of man and original sin. Would probably be easier than having a massive flood obliterating the planet to be rebuilt in the vein of Noah and his ark bound menagerie.  

Maybe God has already has bought ‘Microsoft Reality Version 3.17’ which explains why the worlds so messed up? Also would explain the almighty casting Adam and Eve out of Eden; they had an apple

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UK Dept Rapture

National debt ascends to heaven, God decrees Britain free from the yolk of usury.

 Following yesterdays crisis talking between the General Synod and leading members of the coalition government George Osborne stood on the steps of11 Downing Streetand declared ‘We shall have solvency in our time!’

 Later Rowen Williams told assembled dignitaries in Westminster Abby that the ‘Almighty, in his divine wisdom, has absolved theUnited Kingdom of its national debt. These green and pleasant lands will no longer be blighted by usury, today we build Jerusalem’.

 At 17.49 GMT banks, data centres and stock markets became shrouded in light and by God divine will all records of UK government bonds departed these earthly realms with accounts fully settled in full. Additionly 100000 bottles of Buxton Water transmogrified into vintage claret, the physically and mentally sick languishing in NHS hospitals were cured,  free to enjoy this nations prosperity while BP oil engineers cast their ‘nets’ to the other side of the Piper oilfield and struck an estimated 40m tonnes of untapped oil along with 22 cubic kilometers of natural gas

 Speaking to the UN General Assembly David Cameron told shocked ambassadors and representatives that

“Casting my eyes upon that dread balance-sheet, contemplating our dangers with a disillusioned eye, I saw great reason for intense vigilance and exertion, but none whatever for panic or despair. During the first two years of the credit crunch we experienced nothing but disaster and disappointment. Now at the end of the third year our finances are more robust than ever, greater than that of the Germans, who had moved from one economic triumph to another. During this crisis we repeatedly asked ourselves the question, “How are we going to survive?” and no one was able ever to answer it with much precision, until at the end, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, our almighty decreed this nation to be free from the yolk of usury”

It later transpired that this was not the only recent divine intervention with the career of Bruce Forsyth regularly being resurrected, unlike the light entertainers hair which the Arch Bishop of Canterbury confirmed was a wig.

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I was a Middle Aged Pussycat Doll

 Peter Mandleson has revealed that during his time as European Commissioner for Trade he moonlighted under the stage name of ‘Melody Thornton’, receiving a Grammy Award nomination as a member of the girl band ‘The Pussycat Dolls’.

 In his autobiography ‘The Third Man’ the former Secretary of State decided to resign his position within the Pussycat Dolls after Gordon Browns 2008 reshuffle, for the third time returning to cabinet in a role widely accepted to be Deputy Prime Minister. Previously Lord Mandleson could be seen explicitly dancing onstage while promoting the bands first album PCD and was voted the worlds 26th sexiest woman. When asked did he mind being adored by men all over the planet he answered ‘My dear quiet the opposite, I adored it’.

 Before resigning from the band Lord Mandleson considered continuing his secret life but decided that no peer or MP should be seen ‘gyrating ones pelvis in a basque before rushing off toWestminsterand voting the renewal of our wonderfully phallic nuclear deterrent; well not unless you’re Stephen Milligan. I’ve retired and hung up my fishnet stockings, Im glad to be grey’.  

 On Sunday MTV will be showing a Politicians Special including Nick Clegg and David Camerons infamous duet, performing the Jilted John classic ‘Gordon is a Moron’ at last years Commons Christmas Karaoke.

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High court overturns superinjunction granted to Maycombe Resident ‘Boo’ Radley

Secretive Maycombe resident Arthur ‘Boo’ Radley has refused to respond to press speculation after the high court overturned a superinjunction which prevented the reporting of allegations about his private life.

Atticus Finch, lawyer working on behalf of ‘Boo’ Radley, won an injunction last Friday following reports that the News of the World planned to write about his private life. Radley is alleged to have had an affair with Elizabeth Darcy, wife of wealthy landowner Fitzwilliam Darcy. Under the terms of the injunction no one involved or even the existence of the injunction could be disclosed.

Judge Fargo lifted the injunction yesterday saying that ‘All individuals have a right to privacy but the public have the right to know about the indiscressions of one who has traded upon their good character, making it the bulwark on which their reputation is built upon. There is a clear public interest and the applicants [Arthur Radley] human rights would not be diminished by publication of these revelations’.

Following the injunction being lifted the media has been free to report that Radley and Elizabeth Darcy began an alleged month affair after meeting at Longbourne, her ancestral estate. Rumors of the affair have been circulating on the micro blogging site Twitter but until now could not be reported in the press.

Mattie Storin, News of the World chief editor, said later: “We welcome Mr Justice Fargo’s decision as a long overdue breath of fresh air and common sense coming out of the privacy courts. Over recent years, there has been more prior restraint on freedom of speech in Britain than in any other democratic country in the world.

Boo Radleys public image was created following the ‘Ewell Incident’, rescuing Scout and Jem Finch from attack while their assailant was killed, accidently falling on his own knife. Sainted as a gentle, mild mannered savior whose radio friendly songs such as ‘Wake Up’ became world wide hits in the mid 1990’s Radley eventually retired back into anonymity, writing his memoirs of the incident in international bestseller ‘To Kill a Mocking Bird’.

Fitzwilliam Darcy, for his part, said in a statement “This matter is of a deep personal and private nature, my primary concern is the welfare of my son, Mark. Elizabeth and I will issue no further comment and ask for our privacy to be respected”

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England Win Cricket World Cup

In a tense last over James Anderson lofted the ball skyward raised his bat and smiled as it sailed over the boundary rope for 6, not only had he scored a maiden first class century but in a dramatic last man partnership the out of form bowler and James Trott had guided England to the most sensational of World Cup victories.

Three days ago England were little but demoralized, defeated quarter finalist; now they are champions of the world. Likewise New Zealand were shocked to find themselves contesting a finial after being overwhelmed by Sri Lanka in the semi finials but following sensational revelations involving back street bookies, George Osborne, the ghost of Hansie Cronje and a shady Mr Big all teams have been thrown out of this years championships for match fixing; all teams except for England and New Zealand that is.

Both teams were recalled to contest the finial, hastily pulling together players who’d scattered across the globe, holidaying after a long, hard winter.

‘One minute I was going down with my wife at the Great Barrier Reef, next minute the scuba diving holiday was scrapped and I was taking the next flight to Mumbai’  winning captain Andres Strauss told Test Match Special ‘This winters been tough but Im so proud of the team to end it by being crowned world champions. Hats off to Trotts and Jimmie Anderson, to take us from 42 for 9 to win the game is unbelievable!’

Starting well New Zealand powered their way to 278 with big hitting from Ross Taylor and Brendon McCullum. After an impromptu performance by New Zealands 4th greatest a novelty-folk band ‘Flight of the Concords’ the Black Caps opened with spin from both ends on a turning wicket. In his second over Vettorri becoming the first bowler to take 5 wickets in a row and soon it looked all over bar the shouting as wickets tumbled.

Then James Anderson took to the field in bright yellow pads and gloves, borrowed from Ricky Ponting, after his gear had been lost by Heathrow baggage handlers. Taking guard he survived a first ball bouncer clattering his helmet and suddenly fireworks erupted from the batting crease.

“The spirit of Devon Malcolm entered my head” Anderson told reporters ‘Like the big man I thought ‘That’s it youre dead’ after taking a knock. He took nine wickets, I scored a tonne’. 

Powerful over the top hitting from Anderson supported by a dogged 121 by Trott suddenly made the game winnable. As the winning shot was struck a screaming Michael Vaughn leapt from the BBC Commentary box and joined the England side as they raced onto the pitch to congratulate the triumphant batsmen while Jonathon Agnew passed Geoffrey Boycott a knife, fork and some ketchup; the former England opener regretting stating he’d eat his shoes if England managed to win.

As England celebrated an ICC investigation team announced the shady ‘Mr Big’ was Communities Secretary Eric Pickles who helped broker deals where matches were fixed enabling George Osborne to literally ‘bet the house’ on their outcome, the deeds to Palace of Westminster being placed on the outcome of Pakistan vs India. Proceeds of these outlandish gambles being a dramatic attempt to solve the budget deficit without further cuts in public spending.

“In these desperate times we have to do everything in our power to bring order back to the public finances” the Chancellor told Andrew Marr, winking he told the BBC’s Political Editor “I`ld bet the defense budget on the 4:13 at Chepstow, in fact I have”.

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Osborne rolls out £380 budget plan

George Osborne has unveiled a £380 budget which includes increased spending on Pedigree Chum but with sweeping cuts in all other areas.

 “Following the credit crunch it’s a dogs dinner out there so that’s what we’re preparing for’

The Chancellor claimed this to be the greenest budget ever with UK carbon emission reduced to a ‘Lot. of hot air, moaning and gossip following mass redundancy’. In addition all UK armed forces will be disbanded. The sweeping budget cuts were seen as a response to the drop in tax revenue from 1.2 million people who’ve lost their jobs since the recession began. ‘With 10% unemployment a mans got to do what a mans got to do, make tough decision and blame everything on the previous government’.

At this point Mr Osborne gestured to the lifesized cardboard cutout of Gordon Brown screaming, ‘Sweet Jesus you voted in Hitler… sorry Blair, got this wonky eyed numpty and look what happened!’

Without no armed forces issues ‘Since the Cold War ended we’ve gone out of our way to be nice to everyone and I don’t know why all disagreements cant be settled like gentleman over a glass of port and a game of Polo?’

Commitments in Afghanistan will be fulfilled by the UK’s answer to Rambo, Ross Kemp. The star of ‘Ultimate Force’ will single handedly bring peace to the war torn nation, after which he’ll solve inner city knife crime, rescue stranded British Citizens trapped in Luxemburg following is impending civil war and still have time to switch on the Blackpool illuminations come October.

The NHS will be funded by holding a series of ‘Big Society Raffles’, the first of which will be drawn on 14th April with a main prize of a seat at Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding reception. Other prizes will include dancing lessons with Vince Cable and a ‘Do Yourself Police Force Kit’ which includes full riot gear, pepper spray, hand cuffs and lessons on planting incriminating evidence on nonces, immigrants and Guardian readers.

Closing his budget speech George Osborne earmarked £100 for the state school system, ‘With this record investment I have the audacity to hope that the first book to be read in Dudley since 1984”.

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Russian leaders fight over Libya

Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev has said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s description of the UN resolution on Libya to be “unacceptable”. This rare rebuke came following Mr Putins statement declaring the Resolution 3407 to resemble a ‘medieval calls for crusades’.

 To resolve the impasse between president and prime minister it was agreed that, as red blooded men, they would do the only honorable thing; have a fight! Scheduled for the 1st April and shown exclusively on ESPN the no holds barred bout will decide future Russian policy upon Libya; the first to cause their opponents death or major injury being declared the victor.

In the red corner will be Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, pro Gadaffi and will be suitably dressed like the Libyan leader. Following the US lead ‘no fly zone’ Mr Putins ‘gentleman’s sausage’ will be hanging out of the gaping hole at the front of his trousers. Being a black belt in the martial art of Li Kwan Cho the former presidents a hot favorite to pummel his successor into premature retirement.

In the blue corner will be President Dmitry Medvedev, initially it was suggested he was to attired like President Sarkozy of France but publically stated that no one was going to make dress like a ‘Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Dwarf’. Instead Mr Medvedev will be blacking up and be Barak Obama. Unknown to many the current president previously blacked up after George Foreman was injured in training; only loosing to Muhammad Ali in the last round in what is now known as ‘The Rumble in the Jungle’.

Drawing from the crème de la crème of international politics the combatants ‘seconds’ are equally substantial. Putin having chosen ex cage fighter and three times Ultimate Fighting Heavyweight Champion Kim Jong II. The supreme leader of North Korea has been training hard, single handedly defeating the combined Chinese and Korean Tai Kwan Do squads in hand to hand combat and   occasionally relaxing at the golf course with near perfect rounds of 54 under par.

Mr Medvedev has chosen judo expert and Defense Secretary William Hague. Sources close to Hague say he’s up for the fight. ‘William is mean, he’s lean and thanks to carbon offsetting he’s green!’ Sources also claim that the former leader of the Conservative party is ‘Ready to have a few pints, batter Putin and be eating a kebab before round 2 if required. You can take the man out of Yorkshire but you cant take Yorkshire out of the man’.

Dire Straits are set to rerelease ‘Brothers in Arms’ as official song of ‘Premier Deathmatch 2011’ while McDonalds ‘Big Whack’ is lined up to be the official snack.

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Thatcher dementia fight revealed

The daughter of former UK prime dictator Margaret Thatcher has spoken for the first time about her mothers struggle with dementia.

In her new book serialized in the Moron on Dunceday Carole Thatcher said she first noticed her mothers grip with reality failing over breakfast in 1979.  The newly elected prime dictator ‘fell off her chair screaming for her beloved “Arthur”‘ and had to be reminded of the existence of both the Queen and her husband Dennis. This was later followed by the infamous Prime Dictators Questions when she called both Edward Heath and Dennis Healy ‘Cads of the highest level who roger each other in the members gallery’ and stated that Jesus had come into her in a dream and she was pregnant.  This was later discovered to be indigestion caused by late night cheese munching.

It was at this moment that Carole Thatcher found out that her mother had had an intense 3 year love affair with the leader of the National Union of Miners. His ending of the relationship 12 months later resulted bloody revenge, instigating the 1983 coal miners strike to break Arthur Scargills power base and later closing down the pits.

In her book ‘Alas I wasn’t an only child’ she tells of her mothers regret of ever giving birth to her brother, Mark Thatcher; “He was an accident and I wish he would have one, preferably fatal” she would regularly inform dignitaries during diplomatic negotiations.

In 1981 it is reveled that Margaret Thatcher got confused between Frankfurt and the Falklands Islands resulting in 4 deaths during a bombing raid of the German city airport. More loss of life was prevented when Vulcan bomber pilots refused to drop bombs on Falkirk, France and Milbank Tower, the then headquarters of the Labor Party.     

Carole Thatcher reveals how her mothers poor term memory was significantly affected by the onset of dementia resulting in 12 years of legislation that damage the disadvantaged. It wasn’t that she hated those in poverty its just she forgot they existed, ‘it’s the darkies and the commies Margaret really disliked’.

From 1976 to 2003 both Margaret Thatcher and her husband Dennis had a series of minor strokes, the worst being in 1989 after getting over excited during an informal lunch in the gardens of Chequers where her, Alan Clarke and Ronald Regan enjoyed a spit roast while discussing the Iran Contra affair.

A state funeral has been planned for Britain’s longest serving prime dictator, this will then be followed by much cheering in the long queue of those wanting to dance on her grave.

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Miliband Wrestles Cameron over Spending Cuts

 Todays Prime Ministers Questions had to be abandoned after two questions, allowing paramedics to treat David Cameron who is in a critical condition following a blistering attack by the Labour Leader.

In response to the Conservative Leader stating that there was a ‘Thread of dishonesty’ in the Labour Parties spending proposals Ed Miliband rose from the opposition benches, eyeballed Mr Cameron and said ‘Outside now you Tory Bastard!”

The Tory leader responded with taunts that the Labour Leader was a ‘The stupid younger son’ and that his brother, David, was ‘more intelligent, more attractive and, from what he’d heard, better in bed than ickle red Ed’.

Ignoring the speakers demands to return to his seat Ed Miliband retorted ‘Let the red flag rise and your red blood be spilled. Workers of the unite, let class war begin!’

The stunned Tory leader was subjected to a series of wrestling moves that would not have been out of place from the WWE. At one point the Labor Leader reached into his dispatch box, removed drawing pins and spread them liberally over the Commons floor. To a cry of ‘Hell Yeah’ Ed Miliband tombstoned Mr Cameron and left the Commons Chamber leaving the Conservative leader a whimpering pin cushion.

Labor back benchers were seen to be holding ‘Miliband 3:16’ placards, rumors that there will be a ‘Bra and Panties’ match between Harriet Harman and Teresa May have been denied.

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Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

 Team Finds Proof Dark Matter Exists!

The claims are based on observations of Brian Blessed cranium that, according to a UK astronomers, provides the first direct evidence that the mysterious stuff called dark matter exists.

Ordinary matter is thought to make up 5% the universe while dark matter, which does not reflect or emit light, is believed to comprise 25%. Until now astronomers have only been able to infer its existence but the team from the Cambridge Research Authority of Physics (CRAP) have discovered the gravitational signature of dark matter.

This signature was created by dark matter and ordinary matter being wrenched apart by the immense contemplations of Brain Blessed. “The kinetic energy of these deliberations, of the thoughts of the greatest thinker of our time, is enough to completely evaporate and pulverise planet Earth ten trillion trillion times over,” said team member Michael Wieloch of CRAP. “Only his robust cranium prevents unimaginable horror ripping the planet apart and ending all life”.

CRAP team leader David Chivers said: “This provides the first direct proof that dark matter must exist and that it must make up the majority of the matter in the Universe.”

WHAT THE UNIVERSE IS MADE OF

67% dark energy

25% dark matter

5% ordinary matter

3% gooey wobbly bits

In addition CRAPs findings potentially explains the reason for all great thinkers possessing such stout skulls; Freuds still being used as a wreaking ball by a German construction company, Einsteins acted as heatshield for Apollo 11 while Bill Hicks was last seen being used as a hammer at the White House in a futile attempt to knock some sense into George W Bush. Without resilient craniums a child of such super intelligence alters timespace and rips apart matter which would be pulverised its brain at birth. Only the few blessed with solid skulls survive to adulthood where their magnificent musings march mankind forward to a brighter future.

“It’s the first clue of what this stuff might be,” said Michael Wieloch. “For the first time ever, we’re dealing with dark matters actual physics, now can anyone tell me more about gooey wobbly bits?”