Tag Archives: Conservative

by

Michael Gove Put into Special Measures

The Education Secretary Michael Gove has been placed into special measures following a damming Ofsted report.

Inspectors ranked Gove as “inadequate” in most area following an inspection in March, citing his inability to understand basic maths when questioned by the education select committee and deteriorating relations with teaching unions and parent groups as examples of how the Education Secretary is a failing minister.

Previous shortcomings, highlighted in Ofsted’s November report, had failed to be addressed such wasting resources by issuing the Kings James Bible to all schools, despite the average school library containing 15 Bibles along with other religious texts.

This left Ofsted with little choice but to describe Michael Gove as “failing to give its pupils an acceptable standard of education and teachers an acceptable chance of educating”.

“Name calling and bulling, by labelling those who oppose his views as ‘Trots’, is not how someone should manage and motivate. In a professional office it would result in disciplinary action” the Ofsted report stated, “given this is not an option we’ve put Michael Gove into special measures and unless significant improvement is shown in the next 6 weeks he will be replaced by Richard Dawkins ‘Darwin Academy’.

Michael Gove is the MP for Surrey Heath and in December 2010 claimed that ‘Like Chairman Mao, we’ve embarked on a Long March to reform our education system’, unaware that the Chinese Cultural revolution resulted in widespread abuse, rape and torture; the education system being closed for 10 years.

by

Fred Goodwin Announced as Supprise New World Bank Head

The former chartered accountant who presided over the collapse and forced nationalization of the Royal Bank of Scotland, then the worlds largest banks 5th largest bank, has been appointed as president of the World Bank; responsible for overseeing $500bn worth of loans and capital investments aimed at poverty reduction.

Fred ‘The Shred’ Goodwin, whose knighthood was annulled in February, was nominated by David Cameron following discussions with George Osbourne and John Hemmingway, the Liberal Democrats economics guru.

After intense negotiations at the Davos summit Fred Goodwin received 58% of votes cast, beating the Chinese nominee of Jim Yong Kim into second place. It has been insuated that David Cameron was forced to relive his school days at Eton to secure US block vote, rumors abound include hot buttered crumpets and the prime minister being Barak Obama’s fag.

“I do not think that the World Bank could have a better nominee” the prime minister told journalists, “His personal pension negotiations, coupled with experience at the heart of the 2009 financial meltdown, shows that this man has unique skills to lead the world bank”. 

Angela Merkel was more guarded with her praise, “In 2003 he was ‘European Banker of the Year’ but in 2009 he was ‘European rhymes with banker of the year but as I got British support against that trumpt up short arse with a Napolean complex, Sarkozy, I said whatever; I`ll vote for ‘The Shred’”.

US officials have been facing a backlash over the World Bank nomination, which has traditionally gone to an American citizen. AdamSandler, the star of ‘Happy Gilmore’ and one of Obama’s top comic advisers, had been seen as a frontrunner.

Katie Price, director of the Boob Institute in Essex and a special growth advisor to George Osbourn, had also thrown her hat into the ring but later withdrew as it would clash with getting her nails done. 

After the new became public on Friday, Goldman Sachs tweeted: “Fred Goodwinis a superb candidate for WB. We support him 100%. Our clients are muppets and now the head of world bank is one. All we need is the IMF to be headed by Fozzy Bear and our work is done.”

by

BUDGET LEAKED!!!!

 Extracts from advance copies of George Osborne’s Budge Speech… 

  • Being a government that listen’s Michael Gove has paid attention to the teaching profession and will announce the abolition of ‘Free Schools’. All schools will now charge up to £1000 per annum per child raising an estimated £1bn; used to lower the top rate of tax from 50p to 20p.
  • Following the success of the car scrapage scheme a similar, Lib Dem scrapage scheme, will be implemented with constituencies able to trade in their Liberal Democrat MP for a Conservative with 5000 majority.
  • As a trial of proposed plans to put transport infrastructure into private hands the road outside Richards Dawkins house will be managed by the Faith Alliance , making the militant atheist pay a toll £5 if he wants to enter or leave his abode. Monies collected to be used in funding ‘Ark Encounter’; a creationist museum including scale replica of dinosaurs boarding Noah’s Ark.
  • Instead of a financial transaction tax, or ‘Robin Hood Tax’ as the wishy washy lefties on the opposition benches call it, from June of this year a Facebook Post Tax will be implemented; every wall post or like will incur a £0.01 fee. Last year 18million users in the UK posted an average of 500 posts and likes raising the exchequer £90 million pounds; earmarked to further subsidize Westminster’s bars and restaurants.   
  • A healthy worker is a better, happier, worker thus those working in the public sector will be required to spend an hour a day running on a treadmill; this energy utilized to generate electricity for public buildings with savings passed on to the public through lower council tax bills. Any public sector employee earning over £50,000 will be exempt from this scheme as their time is too valuable.
  • A mansion tax to be implemented with all properties taxed an additional £10 to fund the purchase a new official residence for the Chancellor of the Exchequer, or Chatsworth House.  
  • Anyone earning over £50,000 or possessing land to the sum of £1 million will be allowed to whip or beach those whose annual salary is less than the national average, currently £22637.
  • Gays and Lesbians to be allowed to marry but in the furnaces of coal power stations thus allowing them to briefly feel the fires of hell before expiring and being sent their for real.  
by

Church Leaders Call Gay Marriage Plans ‘Madness’

Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.

by

Eric Pickles Explodes, Wafer Thin Mint Blamed

Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has died aged 59 having gobbled his way through the Saffron Tandoori’s entire menu.

Consuming 14 curries along with 17 Lamb specialities dishes, all washed down with 12 bottles of lager, the gorged and bloated MP for Brentwood was persuaded by a waiter to end his meal with a wafer thin mint.

Initially triggering sever indigestion this mint acted as a catalyst, instigating a chain reaction which resulted in the rotund MP exploding; fellow diners were showered by a mass of subcutaneous fat. Despite his chest being blasted apart the Communities Secretary only expired following receipt of the bill. It transpired that being unable to claim the £4577 bill through ministerial expenses caused his heart to fail.

“With great sadness I have to come to terms that a friend and colleague is no longer with us” David Cameron told a packed commons chamber earlier today “Eric Pickles died the way he would have wanted, stimulating the UK economy through selfless greed and gluttony ”.

Paying tribute Ed Miliband agreed with the Prime Minister, “Eric was a great parliamentarian with a great appetite but you didn’t want to be in an enclosed space when he’d had a good curry”.

This refers to the “Great stink of 2008” when the Palace of Westminster had to be evacuated following the then Conservative Chairman having a particularly pungent pasanda.

In 2008 Pickles was also asked to pay back £300 following the MP’s expenses scandal, claiming for ’Forty two phaals, equal nan breads along with ninety popadoms and chuckneys’; what he later described as a ‘light snack’.

Eric Pickles leaves behind a wife and two sheep, Bhuna and Balti.

by

PM Apologies for Remarks to Female MPs

In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.

“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.

‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.

During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.

A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.

“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.

When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”

by

UK Dept Rapture

National debt ascends to heaven, God decrees Britain free from the yolk of usury.

 Following yesterdays crisis talking between the General Synod and leading members of the coalition government George Osborne stood on the steps of11 Downing Streetand declared ‘We shall have solvency in our time!’

 Later Rowen Williams told assembled dignitaries in Westminster Abby that the ‘Almighty, in his divine wisdom, has absolved theUnited Kingdom of its national debt. These green and pleasant lands will no longer be blighted by usury, today we build Jerusalem’.

 At 17.49 GMT banks, data centres and stock markets became shrouded in light and by God divine will all records of UK government bonds departed these earthly realms with accounts fully settled in full. Additionly 100000 bottles of Buxton Water transmogrified into vintage claret, the physically and mentally sick languishing in NHS hospitals were cured,  free to enjoy this nations prosperity while BP oil engineers cast their ‘nets’ to the other side of the Piper oilfield and struck an estimated 40m tonnes of untapped oil along with 22 cubic kilometers of natural gas

 Speaking to the UN General Assembly David Cameron told shocked ambassadors and representatives that

“Casting my eyes upon that dread balance-sheet, contemplating our dangers with a disillusioned eye, I saw great reason for intense vigilance and exertion, but none whatever for panic or despair. During the first two years of the credit crunch we experienced nothing but disaster and disappointment. Now at the end of the third year our finances are more robust than ever, greater than that of the Germans, who had moved from one economic triumph to another. During this crisis we repeatedly asked ourselves the question, “How are we going to survive?” and no one was able ever to answer it with much precision, until at the end, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, our almighty decreed this nation to be free from the yolk of usury”

It later transpired that this was not the only recent divine intervention with the career of Bruce Forsyth regularly being resurrected, unlike the light entertainers hair which the Arch Bishop of Canterbury confirmed was a wig.

by

Osborne rolls out £380 budget plan

George Osborne has unveiled a £380 budget which includes increased spending on Pedigree Chum but with sweeping cuts in all other areas.

 “Following the credit crunch it’s a dogs dinner out there so that’s what we’re preparing for’

The Chancellor claimed this to be the greenest budget ever with UK carbon emission reduced to a ‘Lot. of hot air, moaning and gossip following mass redundancy’. In addition all UK armed forces will be disbanded. The sweeping budget cuts were seen as a response to the drop in tax revenue from 1.2 million people who’ve lost their jobs since the recession began. ‘With 10% unemployment a mans got to do what a mans got to do, make tough decision and blame everything on the previous government’.

At this point Mr Osborne gestured to the lifesized cardboard cutout of Gordon Brown screaming, ‘Sweet Jesus you voted in Hitler… sorry Blair, got this wonky eyed numpty and look what happened!’

Without no armed forces issues ‘Since the Cold War ended we’ve gone out of our way to be nice to everyone and I don’t know why all disagreements cant be settled like gentleman over a glass of port and a game of Polo?’

Commitments in Afghanistan will be fulfilled by the UK’s answer to Rambo, Ross Kemp. The star of ‘Ultimate Force’ will single handedly bring peace to the war torn nation, after which he’ll solve inner city knife crime, rescue stranded British Citizens trapped in Luxemburg following is impending civil war and still have time to switch on the Blackpool illuminations come October.

The NHS will be funded by holding a series of ‘Big Society Raffles’, the first of which will be drawn on 14th April with a main prize of a seat at Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding reception. Other prizes will include dancing lessons with Vince Cable and a ‘Do Yourself Police Force Kit’ which includes full riot gear, pepper spray, hand cuffs and lessons on planting incriminating evidence on nonces, immigrants and Guardian readers.

Closing his budget speech George Osborne earmarked £100 for the state school system, ‘With this record investment I have the audacity to hope that the first book to be read in Dudley since 1984”.

by

Thatcher dementia fight revealed

The daughter of former UK prime dictator Margaret Thatcher has spoken for the first time about her mothers struggle with dementia.

In her new book serialized in the Moron on Dunceday Carole Thatcher said she first noticed her mothers grip with reality failing over breakfast in 1979.  The newly elected prime dictator ‘fell off her chair screaming for her beloved “Arthur”‘ and had to be reminded of the existence of both the Queen and her husband Dennis. This was later followed by the infamous Prime Dictators Questions when she called both Edward Heath and Dennis Healy ‘Cads of the highest level who roger each other in the members gallery’ and stated that Jesus had come into her in a dream and she was pregnant.  This was later discovered to be indigestion caused by late night cheese munching.

It was at this moment that Carole Thatcher found out that her mother had had an intense 3 year love affair with the leader of the National Union of Miners. His ending of the relationship 12 months later resulted bloody revenge, instigating the 1983 coal miners strike to break Arthur Scargills power base and later closing down the pits.

In her book ‘Alas I wasn’t an only child’ she tells of her mothers regret of ever giving birth to her brother, Mark Thatcher; “He was an accident and I wish he would have one, preferably fatal” she would regularly inform dignitaries during diplomatic negotiations.

In 1981 it is reveled that Margaret Thatcher got confused between Frankfurt and the Falklands Islands resulting in 4 deaths during a bombing raid of the German city airport. More loss of life was prevented when Vulcan bomber pilots refused to drop bombs on Falkirk, France and Milbank Tower, the then headquarters of the Labor Party.     

Carole Thatcher reveals how her mothers poor term memory was significantly affected by the onset of dementia resulting in 12 years of legislation that damage the disadvantaged. It wasn’t that she hated those in poverty its just she forgot they existed, ‘it’s the darkies and the commies Margaret really disliked’.

From 1976 to 2003 both Margaret Thatcher and her husband Dennis had a series of minor strokes, the worst being in 1989 after getting over excited during an informal lunch in the gardens of Chequers where her, Alan Clarke and Ronald Regan enjoyed a spit roast while discussing the Iran Contra affair.

A state funeral has been planned for Britain’s longest serving prime dictator, this will then be followed by much cheering in the long queue of those wanting to dance on her grave.

by

Miliband Wrestles Cameron over Spending Cuts

 Todays Prime Ministers Questions had to be abandoned after two questions, allowing paramedics to treat David Cameron who is in a critical condition following a blistering attack by the Labour Leader.

In response to the Conservative Leader stating that there was a ‘Thread of dishonesty’ in the Labour Parties spending proposals Ed Miliband rose from the opposition benches, eyeballed Mr Cameron and said ‘Outside now you Tory Bastard!”

The Tory leader responded with taunts that the Labour Leader was a ‘The stupid younger son’ and that his brother, David, was ‘more intelligent, more attractive and, from what he’d heard, better in bed than ickle red Ed’.

Ignoring the speakers demands to return to his seat Ed Miliband retorted ‘Let the red flag rise and your red blood be spilled. Workers of the unite, let class war begin!’

The stunned Tory leader was subjected to a series of wrestling moves that would not have been out of place from the WWE. At one point the Labor Leader reached into his dispatch box, removed drawing pins and spread them liberally over the Commons floor. To a cry of ‘Hell Yeah’ Ed Miliband tombstoned Mr Cameron and left the Commons Chamber leaving the Conservative leader a whimpering pin cushion.

Labor back benchers were seen to be holding ‘Miliband 3:16’ placards, rumors that there will be a ‘Bra and Panties’ match between Harriet Harman and Teresa May have been denied.