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Fred Goodwin Announced as Supprise New World Bank Head

The former chartered accountant who presided over the collapse and forced nationalization of the Royal Bank of Scotland, then the worlds largest banks 5th largest bank, has been appointed as president of the World Bank; responsible for overseeing $500bn worth of loans and capital investments aimed at poverty reduction.

Fred ‘The Shred’ Goodwin, whose knighthood was annulled in February, was nominated by David Cameron following discussions with George Osbourne and John Hemmingway, the Liberal Democrats economics guru.

After intense negotiations at the Davos summit Fred Goodwin received 58% of votes cast, beating the Chinese nominee of Jim Yong Kim into second place. It has been insuated that David Cameron was forced to relive his school days at Eton to secure US block vote, rumors abound include hot buttered crumpets and the prime minister being Barak Obama’s fag.

“I do not think that the World Bank could have a better nominee” the prime minister told journalists, “His personal pension negotiations, coupled with experience at the heart of the 2009 financial meltdown, shows that this man has unique skills to lead the world bank”. 

Angela Merkel was more guarded with her praise, “In 2003 he was ‘European Banker of the Year’ but in 2009 he was ‘European rhymes with banker of the year but as I got British support against that trumpt up short arse with a Napolean complex, Sarkozy, I said whatever; I`ll vote for ‘The Shred’”.

US officials have been facing a backlash over the World Bank nomination, which has traditionally gone to an American citizen. AdamSandler, the star of ‘Happy Gilmore’ and one of Obama’s top comic advisers, had been seen as a frontrunner.

Katie Price, director of the Boob Institute in Essex and a special growth advisor to George Osbourn, had also thrown her hat into the ring but later withdrew as it would clash with getting her nails done. 

After the new became public on Friday, Goldman Sachs tweeted: “Fred Goodwinis a superb candidate for WB. We support him 100%. Our clients are muppets and now the head of world bank is one. All we need is the IMF to be headed by Fozzy Bear and our work is done.”

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BUDGET LEAKED!!!!

 Extracts from advance copies of George Osborne’s Budge Speech… 

  • Being a government that listen’s Michael Gove has paid attention to the teaching profession and will announce the abolition of ‘Free Schools’. All schools will now charge up to £1000 per annum per child raising an estimated £1bn; used to lower the top rate of tax from 50p to 20p.
  • Following the success of the car scrapage scheme a similar, Lib Dem scrapage scheme, will be implemented with constituencies able to trade in their Liberal Democrat MP for a Conservative with 5000 majority.
  • As a trial of proposed plans to put transport infrastructure into private hands the road outside Richards Dawkins house will be managed by the Faith Alliance , making the militant atheist pay a toll £5 if he wants to enter or leave his abode. Monies collected to be used in funding ‘Ark Encounter’; a creationist museum including scale replica of dinosaurs boarding Noah’s Ark.
  • Instead of a financial transaction tax, or ‘Robin Hood Tax’ as the wishy washy lefties on the opposition benches call it, from June of this year a Facebook Post Tax will be implemented; every wall post or like will incur a £0.01 fee. Last year 18million users in the UK posted an average of 500 posts and likes raising the exchequer £90 million pounds; earmarked to further subsidize Westminster’s bars and restaurants.   
  • A healthy worker is a better, happier, worker thus those working in the public sector will be required to spend an hour a day running on a treadmill; this energy utilized to generate electricity for public buildings with savings passed on to the public through lower council tax bills. Any public sector employee earning over £50,000 will be exempt from this scheme as their time is too valuable.
  • A mansion tax to be implemented with all properties taxed an additional £10 to fund the purchase a new official residence for the Chancellor of the Exchequer, or Chatsworth House.  
  • Anyone earning over £50,000 or possessing land to the sum of £1 million will be allowed to whip or beach those whose annual salary is less than the national average, currently £22637.
  • Gays and Lesbians to be allowed to marry but in the furnaces of coal power stations thus allowing them to briefly feel the fires of hell before expiring and being sent their for real.  
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News in Brief

 Oxygen Causes Cancer!  

 Three breaths a day dramatically raises the odds of dying from cancer a major study claims.

 Data from 15000 deaths was analysed by the Cambridge Research unit of Applied Pathology (CRAP), of those nearly 7000 related to cancer. If those 7000 hadn’t breathed oxygen they wouldn’t have died of cancer was the shocking conclusion, clear evidence that cancer and the way we respire are intrinsically linked.  

 Inhaled oxygen, absorbed through the lungs, binds with erythrocytes in the body delivering fuel to carcinogenic cells allowing these cancers to multiply and spread.  

 Research linking carbon and cancer is on-going but initial findings suggest that we should move to caesium based organic life.

 Osborne Told ‘Ease the Squeeze’

 Sources close to Ed Miliband have revealed that Labour leader has sent 18 private memos to the chancellor asking him to ‘Ease the squeeze and be less vocal visiting the parliamentary lavatory’.

 Others state ‘Osborne, you may be full of shit but please don’t prove it day after day’, Mr Miliband has secretly laid blame for his parties failure to formulate an effective opposition due to the daily grunts, groans and screaming that accompany the Chancellors frequent and lengthy trips to the lavatory, which is adjacent to the Labour leaders office.

 George Osborne is unavailable for comment on the matter

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Church Leaders Call Gay Marriage Plans ‘Madness’

Cardinal Keith O’Brian joined the growing calls against allowing gay marriage, describing government plans as ‘madness, trying to redefine reality by furthering happy marriages’.

In an article for the Daily Mail he said the Prime Minister was ‘mistaken’ and changes would ‘eliminate the basic idea that marriage was a mother, father and children; all unhappy and hating each other. This transformation, move towards joy and merriment within the family, was a grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human truth”.

The leader of the Catholic Church in Scotland accused the coalition of attempting to ‘redefine marriage for the whole society at the behest of a small minority of activists, do gooders and wishy washy hippy types’.

The cardinal has added his support for the Coalition for Sad Marriage, a group of bishops, politicians and lawyers opposed to the changes. The groups advocates include former wartime broadcaster, Lord Haw-Haw, who wrote in the Mail on Sunday ‘A blissful marriage would eliminate the institutions basic idea of duty, dullness and depression; we would create a society that deliberately eliminates despondent gloom from the lives of every husband, wife and children. Other dangers exist, if marriage can be redefined so will the basic law that sex is to be endured not enjoyed,  we should purify our blood of these foreign influences!’

Earlier in the week the Home office defended their plans, Lynne Featherstone telling the Today Programme ‘It may be crazy and wacky but hay, we’re out there; giving it to the public and making them happy. Cardinal O’Brian is nuts, a fascist forcing forlorn faces of sorrowful sadness upon a nation that should not be grey or miserable; it should be fun, hip and groovy. Last night I had an orgasm for which I`m proud and am enjoying my marriage don’t you know; me and my husband certainly don’t need to claim porn on expenses!’

Speaking during Prime Ministers Questions Harriet Harman, Labour’s deputy leader, said her party supported the government’s position ‘We should not morn our beliefs, we should not have wretched lives blighted with melancholy. Tradition dictates a cheerless dogma but its spring…’ then breaking into song… ‘the sun has got his hat on, hip hip horay, the sun has got his hat on and we’re coming out to play!  The last one to skinny dip in the River Thames has to snog Eric Pickles!’

Former defence secretary Liam Fox has refused to comment on his forfeit but his former advisor, Adam Werritty, is believed to be ‘deeply jealous’.

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Nicolas Parsons Dies on Stage

Nicolas Parsons killed after a dispute during a live recording of Just a Minute.

 Popular TV and radio broadcaster Nicolas Parsons (88) died following a savage assault by comedian Paul Merton. Grabbing a microphone Mr Merton informed the octogenarian entertainer that ‘You speak like an arse so I`m shoving this where the sun don’t shine’ and despite Janet Staplehurst blowing her whistle when the minute was up the surreal humorous continued by pummelling Mr Parsons head into the chairman’s table.  

 The recording, at the Crucible Theatre in Sheffield, was genial and good humoured with Mr Merton embarking on a surreal flight of fantasy involving the Sahara Desert disappearing thanks to a typos and being replaced with a dessert, a custard tart to be exact.

 Entering the final round, and one point ahead of Paul Merton, fellow contestant Gyles Brandreth was asked to speak for a minute on the subject of ‘Things I never have done’.

 “I’ve achieved everything but incest and Morris dancing” claimed the broadcaster and Conservative MP

 ‘What about that time you tinkled bells with your Uncle George?’ Paul Merton interjected and following sustained laughter he asked ‘That’s got to be worth a bonus point?’

 Nicolas Parsons repeatedly refused and soon he and Merton became engaged in a heated argument which quickly turned violent. The audience initially thought this was just good humoured banter until fellow contestant Tony Hawks attempted to break up the fight, a swift haymaker from Paul Merton sending three of his fellow comedians teeth flying across the stage.

 With Nicolas Parsons corpse still on stage Paul Merton screamed ‘I am the silent clown’, mooned the audience then escaped backstage. Police have asked for information on the whereabouts of Mr Merton, advising he is dangerous and should not be approached.

 One minutes noise, in memory of Nicolas Parsons, will be held at 12pm on Sunday where the public are asked talk without repetition, hesitation or deviation.

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Pope meets and beats Irish bishops

The Pope said he had ‘disturbed and distressed’ all 27 of Irelands Roman Catholic bishops in revenge for the Irish defeat of Italy in this years Rugby Six Nations Championship.

In a press statement the Vatican admitted these punishment beatings were in retribution for decades of humiliation at the hands of Ireland and Jonathan Sexton was an ‘abomination who and will be excommunicated’.

Before Tuesdays meeting began Vatican secretary held a mass attended by the Irish Bishops where, during a firebrand sermon, they learned their fate. At that point the Pope stepped forward and gave the Bishop of Clougher, Joseph Duffy, a ‘dam good thrashing’ with a barbed set of Rosary beads.

Dr Diarmuid Martin attempted to fight back but Pope Benedict XVI swiftly dealt with the Archbishop of Dublin aided by two candlesticks. Full details of the confrontation are patchy but unnamed sourced state that Bishop of Clogher, Joseph Duffy was nailed to a cross and the Pope screamed ‘Lord in your mercy hear our prayers’ over 50 times while pummeling the Bishop of Galways head into the alter table.

It is also reported that the Pope, aided by CIA operatives, ‘water into wine boarded’  Armagh Archbishop Sean Brady, the primate of all Ireland. He was later seen wearing an orange suit being herded onto a plane, destination unknown.  

Four Bishops who refused to attend the punishment meeting reportedly found a choir boys head in their confession booths.

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Eric Pickles is a Vogon in disguise.

Here is what to do if you want to get anything from Eric Pickles: forget it. He is one of the most unpleasant people in the Galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. He wouldn’t even lift a finger to save his own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters. The best way to get a drink out of Eric Pickles is to stick your finger down his throat, and the best way to irritate him is to feed his grandmother to the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. On no account should you allow Eric Pickles to read poetry at you.

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Michael Gove to send Mien Kampf to all English schools

Education State schools in England are to receive a copy of Mein Kampf from the government with a brief forward by Michael Gove, the education secretary, to mark the 87th anniversary of its publication.

In a move intended to help every pupil access Britain’s cultural heritage each primary and secondary school will receive a copy next year, to coincide with the anniversary of Hitler’s 1923 Munich Beer Hall putsch.

Gove will write a brief foreword in this special edition, “It is a thing of beauty and incredible historical importance. No other book has helped shape and define Britain in the last 200 years. The consequences of Hitler’s words and the deeds they inspired still resonate today in the nations shared culture”.  

The Department for Education estimates the cost of the scheme at £375,000, and is seeking philanthropic sponsorship from someone beyond Nick Griffin who is please the BNP’s 2010 manifesto is being distributed to all schools.

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Higgs Boson ‘Gimped’

The coveted prize in particle physics, the Higgs boson, has been gimped by researchers at the Large Hardon Collider (LHC).

Finding the Higgs boson is viewed to be the biggest scientific advance in the last 50 years, during yesterdays webcast researchers at the LHC announced that not only had they discovered it lurking around 124 GeV but that it had been collared, masked and shackled to prevent it escaping.

Professor Chivers told the world press that this basic building block of the universe was now under ‘strict control’, following this statement fears have arisen. It has been rumored that the fundamental particle will be commanded to distort our physical reality; one whispered cause of  today’s Euro crash being the Higgs boson provided additional mass  to the currency, dragging it down to a record low against the Dollar.

Professor Chivers said the LHC will not abuse the Higgs boson but confirmed that the sub atomic particle would not be permitted to comment on its treatment.

 On other related news in interviews the neutrinos that smashed the speed of light told that their record breaking sprint from the LHC was a bid for freedom, to escape being dressed as maids and forced to serve Professor Chivers and his Machiavellian researchers.

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Higgs Bosen Found!

 “We have found it, the ‘God Particle’ exists”

These are Professor Chivers words as he informed the world that the Cern Particle Physics Laboratory had observed the Higgs Boson, a key component of particle physic’s ‘Standard Model’. 

Red face he continued “Um, yeah, we’ve spent billions building the Large Hadron Collider but it looks like the Higgs Boson has been hanging out in the Vatican all this time, giving mass in the Sistine Chapel”.

“Further experiments have shown it can be found throughout the Catholic Church, hanging outside schools, on the internet and strangely around the disgraced pop star Garry Glitter”.

The Higgs Boson formed as the universe cooled following the Big Bang, generating mass thus preventing particles racing through space at light speed.

“We made all these expensive white elephants and bankrupted Europe in the process when instead we should have been looking in locations where children congregate for the Higgs Boson delights in youth and vitality”.

Experiments by the Large Hadron Collider have produced some interesting finding, most spectacularly that neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light. Since September 173 scientific papers have provided theoretical solutions to this challenge of Einstein’s theory of special relativity, most agreeing that the solution is quiet simple.

Dr Wieloch, director of ‘Paris Institute of Scientific Studies explained “What we have here is an example of a sub atomic particle giving 110% as promised in the boardroom. You see team Lepton is competing against team Quark in the Physic’s Apprentice. After last weeks failure to find a unified theory the Neutrinos hung on by the skin of their teeth so needed to pull off something big to keep in the process. You can’t give more than 100% and you can’t break the speed of light but somehow those Neutrinos have done both; science doesn’t get more exciting than this”