Category Archives: News

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Eric Pickles Explodes, Wafer Thin Mint Blamed

Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, has died aged 59 having gobbled his way through the Saffron Tandoori’s entire menu.

Consuming 14 curries along with 17 Lamb specialities dishes, all washed down with 12 bottles of lager, the gorged and bloated MP for Brentwood was persuaded by a waiter to end his meal with a wafer thin mint.

Initially triggering sever indigestion this mint acted as a catalyst, instigating a chain reaction which resulted in the rotund MP exploding; fellow diners were showered by a mass of subcutaneous fat. Despite his chest being blasted apart the Communities Secretary only expired following receipt of the bill. It transpired that being unable to claim the £4577 bill through ministerial expenses caused his heart to fail.

“With great sadness I have to come to terms that a friend and colleague is no longer with us” David Cameron told a packed commons chamber earlier today “Eric Pickles died the way he would have wanted, stimulating the UK economy through selfless greed and gluttony ”.

Paying tribute Ed Miliband agreed with the Prime Minister, “Eric was a great parliamentarian with a great appetite but you didn’t want to be in an enclosed space when he’d had a good curry”.

This refers to the “Great stink of 2008” when the Palace of Westminster had to be evacuated following the then Conservative Chairman having a particularly pungent pasanda.

In 2008 Pickles was also asked to pay back £300 following the MP’s expenses scandal, claiming for ’Forty two phaals, equal nan breads along with ninety popadoms and chuckneys’; what he later described as a ‘light snack’.

Eric Pickles leaves behind a wife and two sheep, Bhuna and Balti.

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England ‘Gay and Proud’

Following sensational photos of England holding hands with Germany this green and pleasant land has come out of the closet.

In a dramatic press conference the Queen told stunned journalists ‘One is gay and one is proud. This fair nation is a player of the pink obo, it is a homosexual. Britannia was and never has been a trident wielding goddess but a demi god called Brian who flirted with transvestitism in 84 AD to avoid being drafted into the Roman army and has been in drag ever since”.

In today’s ‘Gay Times’ Brian told how ‘It was wear a dress or be butchered by Boudicca. Afterwards I began thinking hmmmm the wind around your English Channel is rather pleasing so remained a woman ever since’.

Discussing his relationship with Germany it emerged that the nations have been involved in a tempestuous love/hate affair with heated argument over where to squeeze the toothpaste tube resulting in two world wars. It was only when Germany cured its schizophrenia, with the countries collective consciousness no longer divided into east and west, were the two nations finally reunited. ‘Once Germany demolished the walls in its mind there was nothing that could stop us, it was like the good old days fondling each others currencies until pennies were spewed everywhere’.

Brian told the Gay Times that ‘Just because you’re gay it doesn’t mean you fancy every country that walks the planet; Scotland can sod off and have all the independence it wants! Im fed up with the wee country being on top all these years and anyhow I’ve seen under his kilt and even on warm days it is rather wee if you catch my drift’.

Brian didn’t divulge his view on Wales but sources have suggested that ‘every country needs a codpiece’.

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PM Apologies for Remarks to Female MPs

In an interview on the Andrew Marr Show David Cameron expressed his ‘deepest regrets’ for comments made in the house regarding female MPs.

“I’m sorry for overheating their little brains with my intelligent discourse but if the fairer sex can’t take the cut and thrust of politics they should get back into the kitchen where they belong’ The Prime Minister told the stunned BBC political editor.

‘Like Flashman I like my women to have oomph and my servants to have a thump! I apologise for upsetting Nadine Dorries but am willing to take the little lady in hand and bring this matter to a close; together we can bring an end to her frustration’.

During Prime Minster’s Questions he told Angela Eagle to ‘Calm down dear, it’s only an erection, no need for you to get hot and sweaty, I’m getting it ready for Samantha”. The PM regretted these comment as it suggested that he didn’t objectify the Shadow Treasury Secretary ‘I mean she’s no Louise Mensch but after a few glasses of claret I’d give her one’.

A Bullingdon Club alumni, Mr Cameron has continued his decedent binges while in government with cabinet meetings often degenerating into drunken debauchery. Alongside ‘Commandant’ Osborne the Prime Minister recently debagged ‘Dayboy Gayboy Ladyboy’ Clegg and forced him to suckle Eric Pickles man boobs on the steps of 10 Downing Street.

“Went to a wretched public school and then the other place, if one goes to Westminster then Cambridge one deserves everything one gets” is all the Prime Minister would divulge upon the matter.

When asked if his comments might loose him the next election Mr Cameron slapped Andrew Marr across the face declaring, “You Cad! I was born English thus have won the lottery of life. Why would anyone vote for ‘Red’ Ed when men want to be me and women want to ride me… all the way into government, woof woof!”

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England Fail to Reach the Last Four

The England football team failed to qualify for the last four at this years home internationals after being held to a goalless draw byJerseyin Pool A.

In a game of few chances England missed a penalty with six minutes remaining as Wayne Rooney’s weak shot was saved by keeper David Fenton.

 Proving the theory that Gerard and Lampard cant play together the Liverpool midfielder saw his shot blocked on the line by theChelseacaptain whose positioning was called into question. Sources speculating Lampard may have got disorientated during the game and was kneeling in the goal mouth to snort the goal white line believing it to be high grade cocaine.  

Having lost their opening game to Wales where, despite the recent media spotlight, Ryan Giggs proved he hadn’t lost the ability score and drawing against the Isle of Man Englands finial pool A game was a must win match.  

Head Coach Fabio Capello said afterwards “We were shit, Im not sure what the lads were playing at; it certainly wasn’t football. There will be collective responsibility but I`ll be reserving a special rebuke for Shrek”.

Screams were heard from the England dressing room and Mistress Cameo, spokesman for England Football teal, told journalists that the “Whole England mens football team have been disciplined, following our extended post match session together they have been whipped into shape and dare not fail again. Underachievement is not acceptable behavior so holes have been plugged, dissenters gagged and everyone is very, very sore following this pitiful display;  Wayne Rooney has been severely chastised and will only be performing on the pitch until further notice”.   

Mistress  Cameo was later seen leading Steven Gerard and Frank Lampard by a leash, “As they cant play together on the pitch they’re going to play together in my dungeon, think I`ll give them numbers 6 and 9 “ she told journalist Alix Fox.

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Next Generation iSaber Could Launch in July

Anonymous sources within Apple Corp have revealed that Darth Jobs is set to launch iSaber 5 in July. This will be similar the iSaber 4 in design with its standard single plasma blade but is thought to have an 8 gigapixel digital camera along with 60tb cloud MP3 player.

Compatible both with Microsoft THX1138 and Gungan Chrome operating systems the iSaber 5’s OP3c processor will double its power output enabling practitioners of the force unparalleled cutting power while maintaining Holonet connection; assume this is to ensure not a single tweet is missed despite being in mid combat.

It revolutionary ‘Kaleidoscope’ crystal sets facilitate a rainbow of blade colors, sources claim that the iSaber 5 will even feature a red blade setting ‘for when a Jedi wants to get Sith with their opponents ass’ and as a novelty fancy dress prop.

Expected to retail for 60000 credits it should be within most Jedi’s price range is expected to be this summers must have accessory.

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UK Dept Rapture

National debt ascends to heaven, God decrees Britain free from the yolk of usury.

 Following yesterdays crisis talking between the General Synod and leading members of the coalition government George Osborne stood on the steps of11 Downing Streetand declared ‘We shall have solvency in our time!’

 Later Rowen Williams told assembled dignitaries in Westminster Abby that the ‘Almighty, in his divine wisdom, has absolved theUnited Kingdom of its national debt. These green and pleasant lands will no longer be blighted by usury, today we build Jerusalem’.

 At 17.49 GMT banks, data centres and stock markets became shrouded in light and by God divine will all records of UK government bonds departed these earthly realms with accounts fully settled in full. Additionly 100000 bottles of Buxton Water transmogrified into vintage claret, the physically and mentally sick languishing in NHS hospitals were cured,  free to enjoy this nations prosperity while BP oil engineers cast their ‘nets’ to the other side of the Piper oilfield and struck an estimated 40m tonnes of untapped oil along with 22 cubic kilometers of natural gas

 Speaking to the UN General Assembly David Cameron told shocked ambassadors and representatives that

“Casting my eyes upon that dread balance-sheet, contemplating our dangers with a disillusioned eye, I saw great reason for intense vigilance and exertion, but none whatever for panic or despair. During the first two years of the credit crunch we experienced nothing but disaster and disappointment. Now at the end of the third year our finances are more robust than ever, greater than that of the Germans, who had moved from one economic triumph to another. During this crisis we repeatedly asked ourselves the question, “How are we going to survive?” and no one was able ever to answer it with much precision, until at the end, quite suddenly, quite unexpectedly, our almighty decreed this nation to be free from the yolk of usury”

It later transpired that this was not the only recent divine intervention with the career of Bruce Forsyth regularly being resurrected, unlike the light entertainers hair which the Arch Bishop of Canterbury confirmed was a wig.

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I was a Middle Aged Pussycat Doll

 Peter Mandleson has revealed that during his time as European Commissioner for Trade he moonlighted under the stage name of ‘Melody Thornton’, receiving a Grammy Award nomination as a member of the girl band ‘The Pussycat Dolls’.

 In his autobiography ‘The Third Man’ the former Secretary of State decided to resign his position within the Pussycat Dolls after Gordon Browns 2008 reshuffle, for the third time returning to cabinet in a role widely accepted to be Deputy Prime Minister. Previously Lord Mandleson could be seen explicitly dancing onstage while promoting the bands first album PCD and was voted the worlds 26th sexiest woman. When asked did he mind being adored by men all over the planet he answered ‘My dear quiet the opposite, I adored it’.

 Before resigning from the band Lord Mandleson considered continuing his secret life but decided that no peer or MP should be seen ‘gyrating ones pelvis in a basque before rushing off toWestminsterand voting the renewal of our wonderfully phallic nuclear deterrent; well not unless you’re Stephen Milligan. I’ve retired and hung up my fishnet stockings, Im glad to be grey’.  

 On Sunday MTV will be showing a Politicians Special including Nick Clegg and David Camerons infamous duet, performing the Jilted John classic ‘Gordon is a Moron’ at last years Commons Christmas Karaoke.

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Osborne rolls out £380 budget plan

George Osborne has unveiled a £380 budget which includes increased spending on Pedigree Chum but with sweeping cuts in all other areas.

 “Following the credit crunch it’s a dogs dinner out there so that’s what we’re preparing for’

The Chancellor claimed this to be the greenest budget ever with UK carbon emission reduced to a ‘Lot. of hot air, moaning and gossip following mass redundancy’. In addition all UK armed forces will be disbanded. The sweeping budget cuts were seen as a response to the drop in tax revenue from 1.2 million people who’ve lost their jobs since the recession began. ‘With 10% unemployment a mans got to do what a mans got to do, make tough decision and blame everything on the previous government’.

At this point Mr Osborne gestured to the lifesized cardboard cutout of Gordon Brown screaming, ‘Sweet Jesus you voted in Hitler… sorry Blair, got this wonky eyed numpty and look what happened!’

Without no armed forces issues ‘Since the Cold War ended we’ve gone out of our way to be nice to everyone and I don’t know why all disagreements cant be settled like gentleman over a glass of port and a game of Polo?’

Commitments in Afghanistan will be fulfilled by the UK’s answer to Rambo, Ross Kemp. The star of ‘Ultimate Force’ will single handedly bring peace to the war torn nation, after which he’ll solve inner city knife crime, rescue stranded British Citizens trapped in Luxemburg following is impending civil war and still have time to switch on the Blackpool illuminations come October.

The NHS will be funded by holding a series of ‘Big Society Raffles’, the first of which will be drawn on 14th April with a main prize of a seat at Prince William and Kate Middletons wedding reception. Other prizes will include dancing lessons with Vince Cable and a ‘Do Yourself Police Force Kit’ which includes full riot gear, pepper spray, hand cuffs and lessons on planting incriminating evidence on nonces, immigrants and Guardian readers.

Closing his budget speech George Osborne earmarked £100 for the state school system, ‘With this record investment I have the audacity to hope that the first book to be read in Dudley since 1984”.

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Russian leaders fight over Libya

Russia’s President Dmitry Medvedev has said Prime Minister Vladimir Putin’s description of the UN resolution on Libya to be “unacceptable”. This rare rebuke came following Mr Putins statement declaring the Resolution 3407 to resemble a ‘medieval calls for crusades’.

 To resolve the impasse between president and prime minister it was agreed that, as red blooded men, they would do the only honorable thing; have a fight! Scheduled for the 1st April and shown exclusively on ESPN the no holds barred bout will decide future Russian policy upon Libya; the first to cause their opponents death or major injury being declared the victor.

In the red corner will be Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, pro Gadaffi and will be suitably dressed like the Libyan leader. Following the US lead ‘no fly zone’ Mr Putins ‘gentleman’s sausage’ will be hanging out of the gaping hole at the front of his trousers. Being a black belt in the martial art of Li Kwan Cho the former presidents a hot favorite to pummel his successor into premature retirement.

In the blue corner will be President Dmitry Medvedev, initially it was suggested he was to attired like President Sarkozy of France but publically stated that no one was going to make dress like a ‘Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Dwarf’. Instead Mr Medvedev will be blacking up and be Barak Obama. Unknown to many the current president previously blacked up after George Foreman was injured in training; only loosing to Muhammad Ali in the last round in what is now known as ‘The Rumble in the Jungle’.

Drawing from the crème de la crème of international politics the combatants ‘seconds’ are equally substantial. Putin having chosen ex cage fighter and three times Ultimate Fighting Heavyweight Champion Kim Jong II. The supreme leader of North Korea has been training hard, single handedly defeating the combined Chinese and Korean Tai Kwan Do squads in hand to hand combat and   occasionally relaxing at the golf course with near perfect rounds of 54 under par.

Mr Medvedev has chosen judo expert and Defense Secretary William Hague. Sources close to Hague say he’s up for the fight. ‘William is mean, he’s lean and thanks to carbon offsetting he’s green!’ Sources also claim that the former leader of the Conservative party is ‘Ready to have a few pints, batter Putin and be eating a kebab before round 2 if required. You can take the man out of Yorkshire but you cant take Yorkshire out of the man’.

Dire Straits are set to rerelease ‘Brothers in Arms’ as official song of ‘Premier Deathmatch 2011’ while McDonalds ‘Big Whack’ is lined up to be the official snack.

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Thatcher dementia fight revealed

The daughter of former UK prime dictator Margaret Thatcher has spoken for the first time about her mothers struggle with dementia.

In her new book serialized in the Moron on Dunceday Carole Thatcher said she first noticed her mothers grip with reality failing over breakfast in 1979.  The newly elected prime dictator ‘fell off her chair screaming for her beloved “Arthur”‘ and had to be reminded of the existence of both the Queen and her husband Dennis. This was later followed by the infamous Prime Dictators Questions when she called both Edward Heath and Dennis Healy ‘Cads of the highest level who roger each other in the members gallery’ and stated that Jesus had come into her in a dream and she was pregnant.  This was later discovered to be indigestion caused by late night cheese munching.

It was at this moment that Carole Thatcher found out that her mother had had an intense 3 year love affair with the leader of the National Union of Miners. His ending of the relationship 12 months later resulted bloody revenge, instigating the 1983 coal miners strike to break Arthur Scargills power base and later closing down the pits.

In her book ‘Alas I wasn’t an only child’ she tells of her mothers regret of ever giving birth to her brother, Mark Thatcher; “He was an accident and I wish he would have one, preferably fatal” she would regularly inform dignitaries during diplomatic negotiations.

In 1981 it is reveled that Margaret Thatcher got confused between Frankfurt and the Falklands Islands resulting in 4 deaths during a bombing raid of the German city airport. More loss of life was prevented when Vulcan bomber pilots refused to drop bombs on Falkirk, France and Milbank Tower, the then headquarters of the Labor Party.     

Carole Thatcher reveals how her mothers poor term memory was significantly affected by the onset of dementia resulting in 12 years of legislation that damage the disadvantaged. It wasn’t that she hated those in poverty its just she forgot they existed, ‘it’s the darkies and the commies Margaret really disliked’.

From 1976 to 2003 both Margaret Thatcher and her husband Dennis had a series of minor strokes, the worst being in 1989 after getting over excited during an informal lunch in the gardens of Chequers where her, Alan Clarke and Ronald Regan enjoyed a spit roast while discussing the Iran Contra affair.

A state funeral has been planned for Britain’s longest serving prime dictator, this will then be followed by much cheering in the long queue of those wanting to dance on her grave.